I am deep in the midst of a home renovation. You see, Jason and I had a battle of wills and apparently my will was not strongest on this topic. I wanted to hire someone to do it. He wanted to do it himself. So he is. ‘What is it?’ you might ask. We’re in the middle of a Pergo floor laying down… thingie.

It all started innocently enough. We bought some samples.. selected the one we liked and then Lowes up and dumped that color. So we picked something else (and I’m happy with our selection) and then 29 boxes of it ended up in our basement. I’m not quite sure how he talked me into allowing us to do it, but we are.

Currently, most of the carpet is ripped up, some of the vinyl in the kitchen is ripped up and some of the floor is laid in the dining room/living room/never ending double wide hallway.

Thankfully a few of our close friends have volunteered to assist with the process (and they’ve done it before so they know what they’re doing!) and all should go smoothly.

I, however, will not participating much in this process. Oh sure, I removed staples from the subfloor and cut up some of the carpet but the actual laying of the Pergo? I want no part of that and the thought of it makes me semi anxious.

Thankfully, Jason agreed with me and has exiled me to the deck until further notice where I plan to create an oasis with the tropical plants I purchased at Home Depo this afternoon and as many margaritas as I can drink without throwing up. I figure if I’m drunk enough any mistake or mishap will roll off me like water on a duck.

I am truly in awe that Jason, who has never laid Pergo before, can read a few directions and can just start using power tools and saws and create a beautiful masterpiece. Everyone has limitations… and I know that I am not capable of doing what he’s undertaking. I work with mediums that I can easily correct; yarn and paint. If I fuck up some crochet or knitting I can (in most cases and with the assistance of experienced knitters!) undo what I fucked up and redo it correctly. With painting I just put more paint on the canvas until I see what it is I want to see. Doing things that are very final.. like cutting floor boards scares the dickens out of me.

I think it’s because I hate to mess up. I’m a Virgo.. I need order (at least an order that my mind calls order). I need exactness. I feel like I have to know exactly what it is I’m doing or I can’t do it unless I know I can pull a string or slap some more on to undo it.

I give kudos to those that are able to throw caution to the wind and live in the moment.

Last month I read a blog post at Mark’s Daily Apple about pretending to be a person that already does or possesses the quality you wish you had.

For some reason that post really struck a chord with me. For me, I often find that I spend time reading, wishing and planning and never actually getting around to doing.

That changed after I read that article. Why couldn’t I pretend to be the person that I wanted to be? I love being imaginative and I’m also gullable enough that it might just work!

I decided to keep it mildly simple. I would run around two miles five days out of seven. I would drink at least two sigg bottles of water a day( I shot for one in the morning and one in the afternoon). I would eat more vegetables. doesn’t sound too horrible right?

The next step was to do it. I opted not to really say much to anyone about it even though a lot of websites tell you to be accountable to someone. I decided it didn’t matter if I failed on any particular day since I was going for an overall goal of thirty days. There were days I skipped and that was ok with me.

I would say that I was able to accomplish 85% of my goal. Some days I didn’t drink as much water as I’d have liked and some days I skipped veggies.

Overall what it proved to me was that I can do the things that I want and form the habits that I want if I take each day at a time. I took steps to make sure it happened. I ran directly after work. I joined the office water club so that I’d have a never ending supply of cold, filtered water available to me during the day. I planned more meals around vegetables or took the time to prepare salads for lunch.

I’m still not at my ideal place with that goal, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to live like I wanted without any guilt or fear of failure. In that, I succeeded.

I can’t wait to see what the next thirty days brings me.

Today I was in the mail room of my office and I was making some copies when I noticed this promotional calendar for a local copying business hanging on the wall. At the top, the calendar gave their business name and contact information so I’ve removed it. What interested me in this calendar was that they were boasting full color printing, yet the calendar they had handed out as a promotional item wasn’t in color at all, but in gray, black and white. Maybe because it had a shade of gray that meant it was in color.. I really don’t know, but it made me point, laugh and take a picture.

First I’d like to say that had February been a longer month, I probably would have found more time to post. I feel a lot like someone is playing tug of war with me and 2010 as it’s slipping by at an alarming rate. Today’s post will be very Februaryish even if I missed it by a few days though. I swear.

This past weekend Jason and I traveled to Minneapolis, MN to assist in the celebrating of a close friend’s birthday (Not just ANY old birthday, but I won’t give the number out lest he should hunt me down). One of the very first things we did once we arrived in town, aside from marvel at the fact that it was now snowing like crazy at home and warm (for February) in MN was visit the Mary Tyler Moore statue.

I used to watch the show on Nick at Night and I always enjoyed it. I loved Mary’s apartment and the way that none of her dinner parties ever went as they were supposed to because in real life how often does everything turn out ok? Sometimes your apartment gets robbed twice or your party ends in tears. It happens. I got to laugh along with them and cry along with them.

Once I’d seen it the theme song of course got stuck in my head. I’m still singing it today and it turned a light bulb of sorts on for me.

In the past month (the month of non existance) I’ve been unhappy, which probably contributed to the amount of blogging that I did. Or lack there of. Sure, I could have posted whiney melodramatic things about what I felt was wrong or I was unable to fix but that’s what I pay my friends to listen to in the privacy of my own living room. Or sometimes I tell the cats since they’re very good listeners. Most times though I just keep it to myself until I’ve divined some way to fix it before I bounce the crazy idea off someone else. I do this partly to make sure I’m not crazy and partly so I don’t do something I’ll regret if I haven’t really thought of all the possible outcomes. (And I wonder why I have trouble sleeping at night?)

I’ve made great strides for myself in the month of February, the first step being getting my hair cut. That might not seem like much of a big deal but I dread getting it done. I always long wistfully for something different, have no idea what I really want and end up getting the same old hair cut that I’ve been getting forever and then I repeat the process every 3-4 months. Not anymore. I went out on a rather shaky limb (all by my lonesome) and decided to make a leap of faith. Faith in the girl cutting my hair, faith that the haircut I selected would be flattering to me and faith that I could then recreate it at home. All I’ll say is that I wasn’t disappointed with any of the parties involved and the first time I did my hair in the morning and went to work (something I haven’t done every day since I got it cut because I’m still relatively lazy) I was met with rave reviews. The big scary huge change that I made for myself went swimmingly.

I also realized this past month that I’ve lived in my town for 10 years. That’s a decade. That’s a long ass time to live in the same place. At first I was really down on myself because what had I really accomplished in 10 years? I wasn’t so upset with where I’d gotten to I was more upset that I hadn’t gotten farther in that time. I’ve never been one to do anything spontaneously. I think things out. I look at every angle. I play it safe, I follow the rules. What accomplishments and unmet accomplishments and being spontaneous have to do with each other, I have no idea. But it was a freakout and I was going with it.

The desire to run, and just run as fast as I could was gripping me too. So I started to run (or well.. walk briskly and jog/run). 6 days out of 7 I am usually running 2.5 miles a day. It makes my legs ache, my feet ache and my knees ache and I love every second of it. I love the feeling of a stitch almost stabbing me in the side, I love the way my shirt clings to me after I work up a sweat and feel like I’ve done something. Mostly I love how alive I feel afterward.

I think in this last month I’ve learned to not be so overly critical of myself. Shit happens. Bad moods happen. Bitchiness happens. Mistakes are made. And I don’t care as much anymore. I’ve learned this month that when my friends need me, no matter what, I am able to be the kind of friend to them that I would want were I in their situation. Knowing that I can put the needs of people that I care about above my own has really helped me let go of a lot of my own perceived failures or mistakes. Maybe I’m not such a horrible excuse of a human being after all. Maybe I’m not so bad. Maybe those things that happened years ago that I wish so very desperately to redo don’t really matter as much as I thought they did because what really matters is right now. So what if I made the wrong choice X number of years ago? How am I dealing with the situation at hand.

And after this trip to Minnesota that was long over due I found out that the theme song is true. “Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have the town, why don’t you take it?” The things that I want are out there. I can’t sit still and just wait for them to happen, I have to make them happen. I have to be the change I want to see. And the more I work to make them happen the more momentum I’ll have to make more happen.

I’m going to make it after all.