First I’d like to say that had February been a longer month, I probably would have found more time to post. I feel a lot like someone is playing tug of war with me and 2010 as it’s slipping by at an alarming rate. Today’s post will be very Februaryish even if I missed it by a few days though. I swear.

This past weekend Jason and I traveled to Minneapolis, MN to assist in the celebrating of a close friend’s birthday (Not just ANY old birthday, but I won’t give the number out lest he should hunt me down). One of the very first things we did once we arrived in town, aside from marvel at the fact that it was now snowing like crazy at home and warm (for February) in MN was visit the Mary Tyler Moore statue.

I used to watch the show on Nick at Night and I always enjoyed it. I loved Mary’s apartment and the way that none of her dinner parties ever went as they were supposed to because in real life how often does everything turn out ok? Sometimes your apartment gets robbed twice or your party ends in tears. It happens. I got to laugh along with them and cry along with them.

Once I’d seen it the theme song of course got stuck in my head. I’m still singing it today and it turned a light bulb of sorts on for me.

In the past month (the month of non existance) I’ve been unhappy, which probably contributed to the amount of blogging that I did. Or lack there of. Sure, I could have posted whiney melodramatic things about what I felt was wrong or I was unable to fix but that’s what I pay my friends to listen to in the privacy of my own living room. Or sometimes I tell the cats since they’re very good listeners. Most times though I just keep it to myself until I’ve divined some way to fix it before I bounce the crazy idea off someone else. I do this partly to make sure I’m not crazy and partly so I don’t do something I’ll regret if I haven’t really thought of all the possible outcomes. (And I wonder why I have trouble sleeping at night?)

I’ve made great strides for myself in the month of February, the first step being getting my hair cut. That might not seem like much of a big deal but I dread getting it done. I always long wistfully for something different, have no idea what I really want and end up getting the same old hair cut that I’ve been getting forever and then I repeat the process every 3-4 months. Not anymore. I went out on a rather shaky limb (all by my lonesome) and decided to make a leap of faith. Faith in the girl cutting my hair, faith that the haircut I selected would be flattering to me and faith that I could then recreate it at home. All I’ll say is that I wasn’t disappointed with any of the parties involved and the first time I did my hair in the morning and went to work (something I haven’t done every day since I got it cut because I’m still relatively lazy) I was met with rave reviews. The big scary huge change that I made for myself went swimmingly.

I also realized this past month that I’ve lived in my town for 10 years. That’s a decade. That’s a long ass time to live in the same place. At first I was really down on myself because what had I really accomplished in 10 years? I wasn’t so upset with where I’d gotten to I was more upset that I hadn’t gotten farther in that time. I’ve never been one to do anything spontaneously. I think things out. I look at every angle. I play it safe, I follow the rules. What accomplishments and unmet accomplishments and being spontaneous have to do with each other, I have no idea. But it was a freakout and I was going with it.

The desire to run, and just run as fast as I could was gripping me too. So I started to run (or well.. walk briskly and jog/run). 6 days out of 7 I am usually running 2.5 miles a day. It makes my legs ache, my feet ache and my knees ache and I love every second of it. I love the feeling of a stitch almost stabbing me in the side, I love the way my shirt clings to me after I work up a sweat and feel like I’ve done something. Mostly I love how alive I feel afterward.

I think in this last month I’ve learned to not be so overly critical of myself. Shit happens. Bad moods happen. Bitchiness happens. Mistakes are made. And I don’t care as much anymore. I’ve learned this month that when my friends need me, no matter what, I am able to be the kind of friend to them that I would want were I in their situation. Knowing that I can put the needs of people that I care about above my own has really helped me let go of a lot of my own perceived failures or mistakes. Maybe I’m not such a horrible excuse of a human being after all. Maybe I’m not so bad. Maybe those things that happened years ago that I wish so very desperately to redo don’t really matter as much as I thought they did because what really matters is right now. So what if I made the wrong choice X number of years ago? How am I dealing with the situation at hand.

And after this trip to Minnesota that was long over due I found out that the theme song is true. “Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have the town, why don’t you take it?” The things that I want are out there. I can’t sit still and just wait for them to happen, I have to make them happen. I have to be the change I want to see. And the more I work to make them happen the more momentum I’ll have to make more happen.

I’m going to make it after all.